Author Archive for

27
Jan
10

By Plane, Train, Automobile

Also boat.

It’s going to be a long, long journey home; four planes, two trains, one taxi, one ferry, and over twelve hours in layovers.

On the other hand, Hong Kong is pretty neat. If Chongqing is like some sort of future dystopia, Hong Kong is like some sort of anarcho-capitalist future that blessedly didn’t turn into the early twentieth century. I wonder how long you could go without touching the ground; you’d have to eventually, but it could be a long time as you flit from mall to mall by walking bridges.

19
Jan
10

This is the Life

So the temperature has just broken above freezing, which means I’m now not so hesitant to go into my bathroom to take a shower.

But the water to my room has been turned off. Why now that there is no threat of frozen pipes? Mario might know but Ia don’ta. So showering is once again out.

To remedy this, the school has generously given me the key to a room previously occupied by Mongolian students. Mongolians–at least these ones–are the thugs of China, as far as I can tell. They’re too cool for class; they only smoke cigarettes, play basketball, and steal things. Point is: I now have access to a bathroom that mysteriously smells of cigarettes.

Adam also has access to this bathroom, and managed to clog the toilet in it some weeks ago. This situation is yet to be remedied.

Also of note, the sink in this new bathroom is disconnected from its drain, meaning that any significant amount of water throughput just splashes onto the floor.

In summary, I don’t really have a problem if I just have to unzip my Marty McFly, but if I’ve got to drop a Doc Brown, I’ve got to walk five minutes to use the public, doorless squatters on sixth graders’ floor.

15
Jan
10

Sigh

Communism, amiright?

03
Jan
10

New Year’s Holiday

Happy Year of the Tiger, all.

I’m pretty tired but I’ll try to give you a quick rundown of where I’ve been the past few days.

Since we got six days off for New Years, Gillan and I decided to head south to Chongqing and Chengdu. If you have a good memory and a head for Chinese names, you might remember that Chongqing is the city that I politely requested to teach in, knowing nothing of it, on a recommendation from a girl I don’t know, oh so many months ago.

This involved flying from Beijing to Chongqing rather early in the morning; the second flight I’ve made through Chinese airlines during my tenure here. It was okay but lacked some of the conveniences of American travel, notably being checked in through to the destination (we had to check in again during our layover), and looping the welcome to the plane intro movie like 12 times. The screens come down, a nice Chinese girl demonstrates all of the manoeuvres that aren’t going to save my life when we crash into a mountain, and they fold back up. Then they roll down and do it all over again. Why? It’s China.

I can’t explain Chongqing to you properly. It’s the kind of thing that you really have to experience to understand, but here we go.

Chongqing, moreso than any other city I’ve visited in China, is a spectacle. Its terrain is extremely hilly and it is built at a junction between two rivers, so the town is split up into thirds and loosely reconnected with bridges and cable cars.

Now, like most cities in China, Chongqing has people who want to sell you crap and poverty. Unlike other Chinese cities, Chongqing has people who walk around with bamboo poles. At first Adam and I had no idea what they wanted to sell us, but eventually we realized that they wanted us to let them carry our bags. Chongqing is very much a vertical city; its terrain won’t let it have roads on a grid and its age won’t let it have modern transport systems on the ground. The result is an orgy of skyscrapers, ancient hutongs, roads, rails, and stairs.

The roads here are more confused than Boston’s of London’s; they curve everywhere and most don’t have names. Usually getting from one street to another requires an elevation change of at least two stories, but the stairs are almost always hidden. Sometimes it is as simple as following the road and spotting the staircase build parallel into and of the same material as the wall. More often you have to walk through a run down residential complex, weaving down alleys and staircases, and observing the way in which the poor live.

This is why men as old as my father wander the city with bamboo poles offering to carry heavy weights up these labyrinthine stairs. If you have two large, heavy packages, they get suspended from either end of the pole; if you only have one extra large, really heavy package, they throw the thing on their back. Either way, they must have agonizing back problems.

I mentioned poverty. When I got to China, I noticed that every city has poor who live in crowded, dilapidated neighbourhoods. But in Shanghai and Beijing, even in Baoding, they are surrounded by walls—either of mortar or of store fronts—so that you only really catch a glimpse as you pass by the entrance. Chongqing does not have this luxury of hiding its uglier face. The city is huge, but in a span of minutes you can walk from utter poverty to a tres chique mini-times square.

The poverty is striking. People live in barren one room hovels, with maybe a dangling lightbulb hanging from the ceiling. The little laundry they have is strung up on lines outside. They might have a TV, but otherwise I didn’t see any electronics.

Changing gears, the city is also famous for hotpots, which is kind of like fondue, except instead of lame bowls of cheese, you have bowls of oil and chilies. Quite delicious. Quite spicy.

We took a six hour train to Chengdu. A pretty nice town, but not too much in the way of distraction. We saw pandas there. Do you know what pandas do? Eat bamboo, poop, sleep, and make girls melt. A baby panda tried to escape from its crib/cage while his attendant was cleaning another; this was hilarious and futile.

We also saw a giant statue of Mao. It was pretty big, but it didn’t shoot fire or anything neat.

Chengdu has hotpots like Chongqing; they are good, but not as good as the Chongqing variety, in my opinion. They also have spicy kebobs that are sold by street vendors. Just grilled slices of meat or vegetables covered with spice. Interestingly, some of the best meals—including these spicy kebobs, as well as the best fried rice and Chinese equivalent of pulled pork sandwiches—I’ve had in China have come from unregulated street vendors that Adam and I just stumbled upon.

A Chilean who was laid up with a cold in the hostel gave us wine tips. Hostel life is quite interesting.

Finally, we took a twenty four hour train back to Baoding. There were no beds, so we sat the whole way. It sucked. And to think I used to romanticize about travelling by train.

25
Dec
09

Merry Christmas, Everybody

Shengdanjie kuaile! Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, all that sort of stuff! Can’t wait to see you all again in a month or so!

19
Dec
09

Memories

When I worked at OCLC, I was introduced to the world of corporate speak. I mean, yeah, I’d seen Office Space, but that was just a movie, which puts it in the same class of fiction as Dark Knight or Chocolat.

I was drinking milk, which comes in bags here. As I came to the end of the bag, I thought, "How do I get the rest out? Leverage gravity."

18
Dec
09

All of China

Kedo has mentioned to me that I haven’t updated in a while. As usual, he’s right.

So I figured that I might share something I saw a few days ago. In fact, Adam and I both saw it as we were coming out of the supermarket, and we both had the exact same train of thought: here was a situation that embodied all of China.

The supermarket is in the middle of the square; as such, it’s one of the greenest places in town. I would say that we don’t really have squares/pavilions in America, at least not ones that enjoy any amount of frequent use, but in China, they’re pretty big on squares. But it’s winter, so everyone is bundled up, although there’s no snow here.

Sitting across from the exit of the supermarket is an old man and a young boy. This is fairly typical: the old take care of the young during the day while the parents work. The old man is smoking a cigarette and the baby boy is wearing pants typical of baby boys: that is to say, crotchless pants.

I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned the crotchless pants thing before. In case I haven’t, the Chinese are not so interested in diaper, nor are they squeamish about dropping a duke on the side of the street if they have to. So very young children just wear pants with no crouch so that they can do whatever they’ve got to do whenever they’ve got to do it. How do parents avoiding getting peed on?

I don’t know.

So you’ve got this baby, his little man free to the winter air, and this old fellow, enjoying a cigarette. The baby decides that some little white trinket on the ground looks delicious, picks it up, and puts it in his mouth.

You never do this in China. Never. Not ever. The ground is the enemy, the abyss. If it’s on the ground, it’s not coming back. Eat nothing off the ground. The average Chinese person won’t sit on the ground; they’ll usually lay down a piece of newspaper and sit on that. I don’t really get that, but I present it as Exhibit A in my case against the ground.

So naturally, babies can’t have that in their mouths, so what does the old guy do? He mutters some stuff in Chinese and then whacks the baby on the back of the head. Not some gentle, "Oh, no, no, precious baby, spit it out, please," tap, but a, "Get that shit out of your mouth," whack. Instantly the white thing flies back out onto the ground.

Now I say all of this like I’m making the old guy out to be kind of schmuck, but he’s not: he did the right thing. That baby would have choked on that thing for sure; there was no time for some gentle tap. Hmm? "He should have reached his finger in the baby’s mouth and removed it thusly," you say?

Wrong.

Wrong.

You should not eat anything off your fingers in this country unless you just washed them. People’s hands get filthy in this country because they actually do a lot of work. You know how in America you see people standing around road construction, looking like they might, at some point, consider working? In China, the same amount of people are just working, digging up shit, laying down pipes, getting it done. And where is home at the end of the day? On site. That’s right, they erect dormitories for the workers right there. By which I mean they lean two pieces of corrugated metal against one another and throw sleeping bags inside.

But yeah, sticking his hands in the baby’s mouth would have surely gotten the little guy sick.

So that’s all of China in one moment. Maybe you find it as funny as I do, or maybe you have to live here for a bit first.

27
Nov
09

Happy Thanksgiving; I’m going to Xian

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody! I hope you all enjoyed your turkey, potatoes, stuffing, and pumpkin pie.

I improvised in something hacked together to resemble a Thanksgiving feast with the other White People(tm) in Baoding, but it involved a lot Chinese dishes and KFC. Although Kim, a teacher at Hebei University and exemplar of social prowess that I can only dream of—probably because I regularly use words like "exemplar"–managed to save Stove Top since June for the meal. So, you know, go Kim.

I’m departing for a long weekend in Xian today, home of Terra Cotta warriors. Kim, having recently returned from there, says that the town is really cool, so that’s something to look forward to.

Adam and I have gone to great trouble to secure our soft-sleeper class train tickets for the 12 hour ride, but we have no idea how we’re getting back. Despite the entire train ticket purchasing system being digitized and networked, the powers of China have deigned that ticket sales are limited to certain regions. That is to say that we can’t buy train tickets from Xian back to Baoding until we’re in Xian; we can’t buy them in Baoding. Well, technically we can, but we went to the ticket office on the first day of sales, and over four trains, only 1 bed was available. I like Adam, but I’m not playing spoons with the guy, especially now that he’s grown a beard.

When this regional ticketing system was being explained to me, the justification for it was that it wouldn’t be fair to the residents of Xian if the rest of the country bought them out of "their" train tickets.

o.0

What?

If a person is taking a twelve hour train ride somewhere, it stands to reason that, what, 95% of the time, they will want to come back from that place. I mean, has there been a huge problem where people have cornered the ticket market of Xian, effectively sieging the locals?

I doubt it, but then again, I’ve seen things in this country that I never would have imagined. Ultimately, all one can do is look up to the sky, sigh, and say, "Oh, China."

See you in a few days. (I hope.)

22
Nov
09

Chinese Facades

Adam and I have a long weekend coming up so we’ve decided to go to Xian, home of the famous Terra Cotta Warriors. We were led to believe that train tickets are available up to ten days in advance, so we headed into Baoding proper to wrangle us up a pair.

It would turn out that we were misled; you can only buy train tickets five days in advance. I was curious to know how this was supposed to work, given that most trains that you would want advance tickets for are overnight trains anyways, i.e. you are already spending about three days in transit alone. But it took Adam and I about five minutes to figure out that the nice lady was telling us we couldn’t buy train tickets today, so having a discussion on the wisdom of the purchasing policy–knowing that she couldn’t fix it if she wanted to–seemed out of the question.

Train fare burning a hole in our pocket and recognizing that we weren’t going to make it back to school in time for lunch, we decided to buy something on the street, eventually settling on a Chinese version of a philly cheese steak. Except there was no cheese; the Chinese don’t really do dairy. Oh, sure, they’ve got yogurt and DHT treated milk–in bags–but cheeses and what not are expensive items relegated to the darkest and loneliest corners of the grocery. So no cheese, and pork instead of beef. But there were peppers and bread and grease. It was delicious.

What better to supplement our 25 cent sandwich than a dime’s worth of sweet potato grilled to within two standard deviations of perfection in a barrel? Exactly: nothing. So I meander up to the sweet old lady and ask her, expecting an answer of 1 cat, what’s the going rate? She looks at the woman next to her and then says 2.5 cats. The woman so kindly corrects her: 3 cats. Okay. Thanks. I’ll pass.

Returning to school, I make an observation about the trash. You see, the trash here appears to work like it does in America. You have a trashcan. When it’s full, you throw the trash down a chute. But the chute doesn’t empty into a dumpster or anything, it just dumps onto the ground, where the groundskeepers collect it and move it to a campus-wide garbage area. Then the garbage is collected and disposed of, by which I mean it’s carted about 100 meters away from the school and set on fire.

Seems like a lot of work just to cast the fumes from the garbage all over the school. But then again, the smog in this country is spectacular; literally, it’s a spectacle; you should see it. During the day it’s a haze that reduces visibility in some sort of mockery of the idyllic China of yore, where people had this veneration of nature. At night, I have actually been confused by a lone lit window in an apartment building because the smog was so bad that the apartment appeared to be floating. After spending a day in Beijing, I had a smoker’s cough.

Finally we came to the gate of the school, where the gatekeepers had us sign in and took our temperature. This is standard procedure since the Chinese are terrified of H1N1. I hear we’re pretty scared in America as well(?) but I still don’t get the big deal. Regardless, the gatekeepers have a little thermometer gun that they are supposed to point at your forehead to make sure you’re not bringing disease into the school. But if your temperature is high, they just make you stand around for 90 seconds then let you in. After a while, they started pointing the gun at people’s hands instead of their foreheads. Finally, the batteries have started to run out on the gun, causing it to just read "Lo" every time instead of a number. I noticed this last night. The gatekeepers just make up a number now, but the thermometer always says "Lo."

It’s a magical country.

11
Nov
09

A Scene for You

Imagine the following, if you would:

A fourth grade classroom in China, perhaps much like the one you remember from childhood, except without heating–everyone is wearing winter coat–and with more Chinese people.

I’m teaching a lesson that involves making sentences with prepositions, sentences like, "The book is in the desk." To this end, I put things in, on, or under other things while the kids have their heads down–although they are all blatantly peeking–and then having them raise their hands as quickly as possible for a chance to compete for the golden currency of childhood: points. Points evaporate at the end of class and you usually can’t redeem them for anything; they’re pretty much like credit card rewards.

The class is split up into teams, and most of them seem to enjoy the game. Two boys in particular, on different teams, mind you, need to play this game. They will get out of their chairs. They will grimace and strain their body to the utmost to raise their hand as high as possible. They’re the kinds of students you like having as a teacher, but they never quite grasp that after you’ve called on them a few times, you’ve got to call on other kids.

So pretty soon they start to complain, I think. It was in Chinese, so, you know, but as a veteran complainer, I recognize the tell-tale signs of dissatisfaction. I call on students who haven’t had a chance to go and the two boys collapse into their chairs, their spirits dashed, frustrated that even though they knew–they knew–the answer, Meiguolaoshi, i.e. American teacher, i.e. me, skipped them. Again.

Well, as much as I love crushing spirits and quaffing tears–oh, and that reminds me: my current record for most students reduced to tears in one class period? Three. Technically, I didn’t make the third one cry, that was the Chinese teacher who was assisting me, but I’m still counting it, dammit; I’ve got a reputation to maintain.

What? Right, I’d rather keep my students interested in participating rather than defeated and solemn; it makes class go more quickly and more enjoyably for all.

So I call on the two boys at the same time. They blitz up to the front of the classroom, and start to shove each other to prevent the other from finishing first while both haltingly yell, "The orange is on the desk!" The orange was indeed on the desk, so they were both right, but I wasn’t sure who was quicker. It was hard to listen for mistakes between all the panting and shouting and shoving and what not. Usually I have the kids turn around, I make a new setup, and they go again, but the guys were beyond listening to me at that point; they just kept yelling, "The orange is on the desk!"

Obviously, the only thing that would stop them was my declaration of victor, so naturally, I didn’t give one. Instead, I picked up my cartoon wolf bat and my smiley face ball, walked to the far side of the room, and started playing baseball with the kids in the first few rows. Everybody started laughing except for the two boys, who were still shouting. And I mean everybody: the students on the left, the students on the right, me, the assisting teacher, hell, even that crazy old man from Taishan showed up and started crowing, "You’ve got three more hours!"

That was a good class.

In other news, I found out that I weigh about 62 kg with my clothes on when I got the H1N1 vaccine for freebies. (From a shady woman in a garage who also sold cigarettes and fortunes—why would I make such a blatant lie?)




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